Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
You Might Also Like
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.