Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
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6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
best review i’ve ever seen
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.