Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
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I’m just playing devils avocado here
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
If you know, you know 😂🚔
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.