Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
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Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school