*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
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[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.