“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
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*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.