The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
You Might Also Like
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.