I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
You Might Also Like
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.