I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
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The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster