I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
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Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
ACED my prostate exam!
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.