I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
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My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.