Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
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I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.