During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
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This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
found my next D&D character name