don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
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Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*