[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
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Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Velcrow
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again