*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
You Might Also Like
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted