HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
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I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.