Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
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[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
#math
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.