Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
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came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
courtroom exchange of the day