Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
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[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Where is your GOD now????
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
men, we mow at sunrise.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.