When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
⛄️
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.