my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
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The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind