Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
You Might Also Like
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.