My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
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I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP