Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
What about second breakfast?
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.