Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
You Might Also Like
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer