torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
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Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.