Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread