[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
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“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?