I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
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“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.