My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.