The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
You Might Also Like
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Me My dog
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.