Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
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HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Cartman: Respect my
a a
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
These are my emotional support Pringles.