My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
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I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
#ParentingFacts
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Oops I deleted….
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”