Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
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self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.