[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
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Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
oppen heimer style lol
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
you stereotypes are all alike
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes