Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
You Might Also Like
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
opening twitter today
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with