ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
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Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Our lord and savoury.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Terribly Tuesday.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.