kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
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I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Well, this certainly took a turn
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham