Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
You Might Also Like
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.