Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
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The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.