I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
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me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.