People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
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If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
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Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Do not go gentle into that good night,