ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
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My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated