my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
You Might Also Like
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.