I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
You Might Also Like
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
What about second breakfast?
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.