[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
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I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.