It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
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[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
the three branches of government
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder