December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
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Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.