pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
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Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.